Author: mymennonitememoir

Beginnings of a Memoir

/ mymennonitememoir / 2 Comments

Written at the Iowa Summer Writing Festival, July 2012

I come from the people of the Martyr’s Mirror, the defenseless Christians who baptized only upon confession of faith and who suffered and died for the testimony of Jesus, their Savior, from the time of Christ to the year 1660 AD. That’s my heritage.

But that was only a subconscious awareness in my world when I was 23 and full of hopes and dreams. Why else would I take a teaching job that was 1000 miles away from my home?

I left for Iowa Mennonite School with my college roommate and close confidant, Peggy.  We admitted on the way out I-80 that we weren’t sure which state came first, Iowa or Illinois but repeated the mantra after every McDonald’s stop, “Go West Young Man” so we remembered which direction to go.

It didn’t take long to realize this portion of the Midwest was not like our hometown in Pennsylvania.  I think it may have occurred to me soon after doing some window shopping in the quilt-laden center of Kalona.  I walked happily, anonymously into Unto Others, a religious gift store and after fingering the finely sewed pot holders near the register, asked how much the pot holders were. I looked up at the middle-aged woman expecting a polite smile and an answer only to hear, “Who are you?” A little surprised but assuming she wanted to get to know me, I smiled and said,

“Beverly Benner,”

“Yes, but who are you?”  Ok, now I really didn’t know what to say and why was her voice so insistent?

“Um, well, uh, I came here a few weeks ago and I am going to teach at Iowa Mennonite School…?”

“Oh, you’re an IMS teacher…oh.  The potholders are each $2.50.

I left dazed.

Teaching was tolerable when my name, BEEEEVVVVV (the students at IMS call their teachers by their first names) wasn’t being yelled from one end of the hallway to another. I really can’t tell you why a few of the sophomore boys did that…probably just to irritate me.  I had reasonable control over my classes with the normal seniors that weren’t sure I was up to the task. I was off and running.

Actually it was only October of my first year when I had a major setback. I had a late night call from the president of the school board of IMS.

“Yes, it’s come to our attention that an elderly neighbor of yours is spreading rumors around the community that you are a prostitute.  Our constituency is hearing these rumors and questioning our decision to hire you and even though we don’t believe the rumors, we feel that it would be in your best interest to move to another location.”

I listened and politely responded, too stunned to say much.  I had earlier invited our neighbor, Lester over for dinner because our neighbors had encouraged us to get on the good side of this vocal, elderly citizen.  The night didn’t go well though when he trapped me in the bathroom, but I didn’t think anything of it as I escaped under his 84 year old wrinkled arm.  After all, he knew I had a boyfriend.

I hung up the phone and did the only thing I knew to do when it feels like the world turns against you and you’re 23…I called my parents.  In between breathless sobs, I relayed the entire story to my dad.

“Daddy….they ….think…I’m …a…prostitute.”

And Daddy actually heard me.  For the only time I remember in my life, he went to bat for me and defended his daughter’s virtues to the IMS principal.

“Look here now, we sent our daughter out to you there in Kalona, Iowa, to a good Mennonite community.  We entrusted her into your care. She’s a good girl. These rumors are false.”

It brought out a heart-warming courage even I didn’t know he could muster.  Perhaps he remembered the false accusations that had been hurled at him on the workplace and knew he didn’t want this for his daughter.

My dad had some 17 jobs in his lifetime but never seemed to find his professional niche.  He was an intelligent man that a few years before he died said he wished that when he came out of Civilian Public Service at the age of 26, he had relocated his new wife and baby daughter and gone to college somewhere.  “They do that today you know,” he said.

Lepers of Today

/ mymennonitememoir / Leave a comment

 

My effort at an OP-ED piece, written 2012

He came into our church and sat in the rear of the sanctuary.  He looked with eager eyes at all of us, craving love and acceptance in a small corner church, at the intersection of Mt Pleasant and Spring Garden.  He was accompanied by a friend, a woman who had stood by him through his recent prison sentence for molesting a young boy.  She had reported him after finding him fondling one of her sons as he gave him a bath.  Too much temptation, way too much temptation for a man that was abused as a boy himself.  Many years earlier, he had been walking home from school when a neighbor man called him into his house and released a passion Rob had never known…and changed his life permanently.

But church was a place of refuge, a place where he was asked to play the church organ as a young man.  Now he was an older 50-something, but still loved the acappella singing and the rich blend of instruments present in a worship service. So, when I turned around to see Rob and his girlfriend at the back of the church, it’s no wonder he looked thoroughly happy.  He felt free at last and wanted to give God thanks. 

“Rob Meyers has been asked to wait to attend our church,” an elder informed us the next Sunday.  We sat stunned listening to how a probation officer had called to make us aware of Rob’s past offenses and the risk of relapse.  It was Meghan’s Law in action to protect the public, especially our children, from victimization by sex offenders.

We as a church were not prepared.  In 2002, we did not have any background checks or criminal checks in place for any of the persons working with children. Voices clamored for attention: those with young children, those with a history of sexual abuse, and those feeling led to minister to Rob. There were a lot of ultimatums being thrown around like “if Rob comes, we’re leaving,” “There are no second chances for sex offenders.” People shared about their own sexual abuse stories and how they “would never” let anyone like that near their children. “We need to protect our own rather than let someone new in that could cause harm to our children.”

Then in the fall of 2003 a new pastor was installed and we were glad to bring all the frayed edges and frazzled nerves to new leadership. Our conference minister and other members of church leadership spoke at congregational meetings to discuss Rob’s possible attendance. The faces changed for each meeting, but none of them seemed to prevent our desperate fall into an abyss of dissension, distrust, and judgment. We filled out surveys about how we saw the issue and whether it was important enough for us to leave the church. I felt confident that our pastor would come to a good decision.

“I think it is best if Rob not attend our church at this time and that we find other ways to ‘be church’ to Rob,” our pastor said in March of 2005.  

I was Church Council Secretary at the time and a few days after this decision, we had a church council meeting. I felt physically sick over the decision and let them all know it.

“How could we decide this? How can we not allow him to come to our church?” I ranted and raved about hypocrites, homosexuality, and child molesters.  The next day I felt spent and depressed.

I believe it was during this time that I stopped having faith in the goodness of humanity.  I started expecting all people to respond to others in a wary, suspicious manner… even among Christians who go to church every Sunday, even among my family, even among my friends. Fear is a powerful adversary that usually wins… even in churches with a history of persecution and exclusion.

“I’m tired of waiting for a decision and will not be coming back,” Rob said at the end of 2007. When he said this a part of me died. For the last 5 years about ten of us from church had been meeting with him in an off-site location for the Sunday school hour, praying that he could someday attend our church. But Rob decided he no longer wanted to have anything to do with our church or any church that subjected him to an Inquisition of review and distrust.

Where do sex offenders go for support and sustenance?  Whether it’s in prisons or in churches, they often feel like the lepers of our society, forced to live in the outskirts of our cities, forced to alert others of their presence with a bell.

Not Returning Evil for Evil

/ mymennonitememoir / Leave a comment

 

Written Winter of 2011

Theodore Hughes lived a life filled with obstacles to overcome. His ancestors also overcame great obstacles.  His mother, Vertelle Ward Hughes, wrote down her memories before she died and from this we can determine some of Ted’s heritage. His great grandfather was a son of slaves in Virginia.  He escaped from slavery and came to McCain County, Pa.  In Pennsylvania, he married an Indian girl and they had five children.  These children were soon separated because of the fear that they could be kidnapped and sold into slavery.  One of these children, Charles, Ted’s grandfather was sent to a family in Canada.  There he was raised and later educated at Lincoln University.  He then received his BA in 1877 and entered the Theology Seminary, graduating in 1880 and was ordained as a Presbyterian minister.

Another one of Ted’s ancestors moved into a rich white family’s home in Oxford, Pa. This family was very much against slavery and worked with the Underground Railroad. Ted’s ancestor, a young African girl, was taken into their home, not as a slave, but in order to educate her. However, this white family had a son who fell in love with her. Marriage was out of the question and the child was given another last name to protect the identity of the wealthy, land owner father. This child was Josiah Davis and was given four acres of land near Lincoln University, Chester County, Pa.  He married an Indian girl, part of the Lenape tribe, and they lived on the property near Lincoln University. Josiah was Ted’s great, great grandfather. His granddaughter, Eleanor Angelina Davis (nicknamed Lamb), married Charles Ward when they met in Lincoln, Pa. After Eleanor graduated from Scotia Seminary in North Carolina and Charles graduated from Lincoln Seminary, they were married.

Ted lived in the shadows of his parent’s heritage and was raised by his grandmother as well as his mother. One memory Ted does have of his early years was of the time he was told to sit, but instead got up and ran into his grandmother who was removing a hot pan of bacon grease off the stove. The bacon grease slid down his head and he had such severe burns that his hair never grew back on that spot of his head. Ted remembers his head being wrapped up but does not remember any pain from the accident.  “I know I milked the situation, “admits Ted.  “Whenever I had to be punished, I would say, ‘Oh my head, my head.” Ted has always felt fortunate that the bacon grease did not run forward on his head and cause blindness.

At the time of this incident, Ted was staying at his grandmother’s house in Lincoln, Pa, as he often did in the summer months.  But the remainder of the year he lived with his mother and father in South Philadelphia.  He does not remember much of this time period or his father because when he was seven, his parents got divorced.  His life changed drastically when his father moved away.  Ted is the fourth child of 5 born to his parents, but after the divorce, his mother, a dental technician, could not afford to take care of all 5 children.  She kept the oldest child of the family, a sister, Estella, but the 4 other boys went to the Thompson’s home in Andrew’s Bridge, Pa. Their home was close to his grandmother’s home in Lincoln and it was through her that contact was made to the Thompson’s. They were to stay for just the summer, but stayed until they were grown. Ted recalls that the home had no electricity or indoor plumbing and that life was full of activity. As the boys got older they worked on neighboring farms. Ted recalls, “We were very poor.  We even saved cardboard to stick in our shoes when they got worn out.”

Among the four brothers was Frederick, Ted’s oldest brother who was born with cerebral palsy.  His mother and grandmother were an active part of the boy’s lives despite not living with them and they both visited the boys often while they were living with the Thompson’s.  When it was suggested that Frederick be put in an institution, “Grandma said she would never put him in an institution as long as she lived.”  Ted recalls how “meanness in us brought out independence in him. He couldn’t talk, couldn’t read and could barely walk but he had a job selling Grit newspaper.  And people never took advantage of him.” Frederick had a unique language that only his family understood.

The Thompson home was one of the largest homes in the community and the pastors at Mellinger’s Mennonite Church at that time were part of an outreach to this black community in Andrew’s Bridge. He held a Sunday morning service at the Thompson home and this is how Ted was introduced to the Mennonites. In fact, all 4 boys were baptized into the Mennonite church at the Thompson home mission church.  Two of Ted’s brothers wore the plain suit (Mennonite attire of the 1960s that was cut straight with a Nehru collar), but Ted refused to wear it. At one point, he was told that he couldn’t lead singing unless he wore the plain suit, so he stopped leading singing. 

There was one bicycle for the three boys and no car, so they walked everywhere.  After high school, Ted started attending Monterey Mennonite Church with a friend who had a car.  There weren’t many young people in the area, so the ones that were around seemed to attend at Monterey and were involved in varied youth activities. Ted and his friend attended a Christmas program at Monterey and Ted encouraged his friend to ask out a young girl in the choir named Lina Yoder. 

Lina was one of a family of 10 children who had moved from Belleville, Pa.  Her dad, Levi Yoder, wanted to live in Lancaster County and had heard of someone who needed a farmer there.  After Ted’s friend broke up with Lina, Ted started dating her. “Lina and I started doing things together. Our families were friends until they realized that our relationship was more than just a friendship.  Suddenly, Lina’s family’s feelings took a U turn.”

Lina and Ted attended church together, but this attention of a young black man dating a white woman brought out feelings of racial prejudice in the church and the community. “They had a church meeting to decide if we could get married.” Finally, it was decided that the minister would marry them in the Monterey Mennonite Church and in 1961, Ted and Lina were married.  No one attended except the minister and another couple.  Lina’s family was very much against the marriage, so Lina and Ted started their marriage pilgrimage trying to ignore racial prejudice and instead praying for those who mistreated them.  Lina says, “If I was invited to a place and he wasn’t, I didn’t go.” 

On their honeymoon, they went to Niagara Falls, Canada.  They both remember people staring at their wedding rings in amazement.  They also recall a hotel with vacancy signs but when they went in and talked to the owner, he told them there were no rooms available. So Ted and Lina left and found a room elsewhere.  It was a guiding principle in their young marriage that they would “not return evil for evil.” Over the years they received hate mail but never honored the letters with a response. Ted and Lina believe they were the “first interracial couple to walk down the streets of Lancaster city holding hands.”

By this time, Ted was working at Provident Bookstore in Lancaster.  He had worked on the farm in Andrew’s Bridge until a man asked him if he’d like a job at Provident in the shipping department. At that time Provident was the largest office furniture dealer in the area.  Soon his job changed and he worked in the music department and eventually this job moved them to the Souderton Provident Bookstore.  While still living in Lancaster, Ted and Lina were blessed with a baby girl named Nancy.  After that Lina was told she couldn’t get pregnant again and they adopted Curt. Ten months later, Dave was born.  A year later they decided to adopt another child and named her Mary Beth. 

Relations with their families eased over the years and both sides began to see the beauty in Ted and Lina’s marriage.  Ted’s mom, Vertelle, who “did not like white people,” learned to really appreciate Lina.  Vertelle admired Lina’s strong determination as a woman and her advice as a nurse. Ted, too, in his interaction with the white communities of Lancaster and later Souderton made many friends and became known for his exuberance for life and his love of music.  One person admitted to Ted the feelings of perhaps many when he said, “My grandfather never liked black people until he met you.”

Hiking Grand Canyon in a Day

/ mymennonitememoir / 4 Comments

Written Summer of 2012

As I was going to sleep the night before, I suddenly had a pang of fear– would we really be able to descend and ascend Grand Canyon in a day?  For months I had told friends and family that a friend of ours gave us suggestions for our trip to Arizonia/Utah and one of them was hiking Grand Canyon in a day, descending in 3 hours and making it back in 5 hours.  We told everyone this.  A few persons acted skeptical, but I trusted implicitly the knowledge of a friend. You see his son lives in Arizonia and he really seemed knowledgeable of the area and what people could handle.  But suddenly, I thought … but I’ve only known this man for a few years…what if he’s wrong?  I’ve built this whole day that includes 4 other family members around my trust in this person’s judgment… but, soon I fell asleep.

I awoke at 5 am for a 6 am descent down Grand Canyon.  The night before we had packed peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, along with healthy snacks of Fig Newton’s and granola bars.  So all 5 of us crisscrossed around the small Yavapai Lodge room at the rim of Grand Canyon to then board our rented van, followed by a Grand Canyon shuttle that dropped us off at the South Kaibab trailhead.  Despite our early rise and coordinated efforts, we began our descent at 6:15 am.  We were all in good spirits buoyed by the morning shade and the cool temperatures.  We stopped numerous times to take pictures and congratulate each other for our journey, including Ooh-ahh Point, Cedar Ridge, and Skeleton Point.  At Skeleton Point, a mere 3 mile hike, we took amazing pictures on some overhanging rocks (see picture above).  We were feeling good.

But somewhere in between Skeleton Point and the junction of Tonto Trail, we seemed to run out of steam.  Perhaps it was the travelers coming up that told us we were not quite ½ way down and that they had started at 5 am in the morning, or perhaps it was the dry desert conditions that felt inhospitable to human life. Whatever it was, by the time Ken and I reached the toilet facilities at Tonto trail juncture, we were feeling breathless and needed the shade of the small wooden deck.  We were starting to feel the effects of the hot mid-morning sun. The thing we didn’t realize is that we were over ½ way and had hiked 4.4 miles of the 7.1 mile trek down. We used the port-a-potties, but were a bit more sluggish to head out in the hot white sand of the trail.  My toes were already sore from the constant downward movement of toes against hiking shoes (which eventually led to the loss of a toenail).  But our 3 children were obliviously driven by some adrenalin-induced high and had even taken an added excursion up a nearby mountain peak near Skeleton Point.

Soon the Colorado River came into view, but to me it looked very far away with small ant-people nearby.  I was no longer sure about this whole day hike in Grand Canyon but trudged on. Miraculously,  by 10:30 we made it to the bottom of the canyon and were soaking our hot feet in the cool and refreshing Colorado River.  We ate our lunch.  Already my husband was talking about making it up to the rim before dark and fearful of snakes and coyotes that we had seen on the introductory IMAX movie the day before.  I didn’t even want to think about the trek up and, in fact, was seriously considering paying for a helicopter ride up.  I felt haunted by an inexpressible fear of being deep in a canyon with no way out. I hid away under a bridge where I sat in the river, trying to block out concerns and relieved of the scorching sun and 103 degree temperatures.

The concerns kept interfering with my rest and relaxation in the voice of one of my sons telling me that we should be heading up the canyon wall again.  Now, one thing was clear from our advising friend: we shouldn’t try to hike in the mid-day sun.  It was what killed hikers and we needed to remember to start back after 3 pm to ensure our safety.  So with that in mind, I kept telling my family, no, we needed to wait.  Well, when I realized they all were insistent on going  up earlier, I relented with a river-soaked jersey to renew my spirits.  The first mile was hard with too much heat and too much hot sand.  We didn’t go very far till we had to take a break.  We were now on the Bright Angel Trail which hovered for the first few miles around the curving Colorado River, ascending and then descending again, but continually hugging the river. As if God took mercy on us, amazingly the sun disappeared behind clouds after a few miles and the sun gave up her relentless torridity. There also was a slight breeze that appeared around the shade of the Indian Gardens, 4.4 miles into the 9.3 mile hike up.

About this time, our children grew impatient of their parents’ slow meticulous pace, so they were often about 10 to 15 minutes ahead of us.  When we’d finally catch up to them, they had been resting for 10  minutes and looking totally refreshed, anxious to be on their way again.  Ken and I often did not rest enough because we were eager to keep up with our kids, so took a short 2-minute break and continued on with our children (see picture above).  Soon our daughter, who had not eaten her lunch and had come to the end of her adrenalin push, began lagging behind her older brothers.  We forced her to eat and soon she regained some of her former strength and was up ahead of us again.

The once fairly full trail was being weeded out by hikers opting for the Bright Angel or the Indian Garden Campgrounds.  There was one couple that we kept seeing and seemed to be on the same crazy hike down and back in one day.  Their names were Robert and Juliana and they were the one constant among ever challenging switchbacks and steep inclines.  After Indian Gardens and the warned sighting of a rattle snake, Robert and Juliana seemed to be the only ones on the trail.  Our kids were far up ahead and we were lagging, still wondering if we’d actually make it to the top.  My oldest son had my backpack, which at times was being carried by my daughter in exchange for her backpack.  Water was not a problem due to our resources and the plentiful refilling stations along the way.

Robert was a considerate companion to the more beleaguered Juliana.  He appeared to be a fit 30-something that kept talking and encouraging Juliana as she felt the weight of descending and climbing in one day.  Typically, they would hike for 1/8 of a mile and rest.  We then would pass them on our 1/8 mile attempt before suddenly squatting on the rock’s edge in exhaustion….only to see Juliana and Robert coming towards us.  We did this for at least an hour before we started hiking together as a foursome.

Ken felt particularly discouraged after reaching the 3 mile rest house by the distance left to ascend. We’d glance up and the red peaks didn’t seem to get any closer.  The last 2 miles was where we encountered a family of bighorn sheep.  The young goat-like kids scampered up and down the rocks, sometimes running full-tilt right towards us on the trail, but then would make an abrupt turn up the mountain. This made our daughter turn around and hike down towards us in tears.  With  the bighorn sheep staring at us from inches off the trail, Robert led all 5 of us with a calm-talking, quiet-stepping approach up the mountain.  Phuuu, we had made it past another barrier to the rim.

The last mile felt grueling and we were only going through the footslogging motions of counting steps, stopping in exhaustion and pulling ourselves up again.  Luckily, Juliana and Robert had walked down a short distance of the trail the night before and just about the time we were ready to give up, they started recognizing landmarks and knew the trailhead was close at hand. They were a gift from God and indispensible to us in reaching the rim.  Watching them struggle and continue to get up and walk was a formidable encouragement.

When we had last spoken to our boys, my one concern was that if we didn’t make it to the top, they might be able to come down the trail with flashlights so we could find our way up.  In the end, this wasn’t necessary.  We had started out at 1:30 pm and 7 hours later, we saw the rim of Grand Canyon with applause from our 3 children.  It was a bit past dusk but we could still see their proud faces.  We took no time to jump or dance at our accomplishment, but hurried with Robert and Juliana to a packed shuttle bus. All eyes were on us as we walked to the back of the bus, covered in reddish brown filth …and huge smiles.

A Character Building Life

/ mymennonitememoir / Leave a comment

 

Written Summer of 2009

Mary Histand Reinford is a strong woman but she may have gained her strength from hardships she experienced throughout her life.  Mary was born in Doylestown Township on July 21, 1932 and grew up in the Doylestown Mennonite Church as the fourth child of Daniel and Nora Huddle Histand.  Her parents had a total of 11 children before her mother, Nora, passed away at the young age of 44.  Since she was one of the oldest girls, she took over the kitchen and cared for all of her younger siblings. 

She remembers that the year before her mother died she was told by her father that she could attend Lancaster Mennonite School (LMS) as her sister had.  Her trunk was packed but Mary refused to go, mainly because she knew she would get too homesick.  So her father said since she didn’t want to go to LMS, she would stay home and help her mother.  This was a hard decision for Mary to take, but she believes today that God knew her family would need her, because during that school year was when her mother died of a sudden heart attack. 

After her mother died, the children didn’t feel like they could talk about her, but Mary and her sisters found solace in their bedroom where they poured out their hearts to each other.  Her father soon married her aunt, a widow from Lancaster, and Mary was “farmed out” at the young age of 16 to work for Eastern Mennonite Homes (EMH) because “you can’t have 2 women in the kitchen.”  When their aunt came to live with them, her father chose a different bedroom for him and his new wife and the girls got to stay in their mother’s bedroom where she had died.  It was there that they talked quietly about their mother and found comfort in each other.

At EMH, she was the only teenager among many older persons speaking Pennsylvania Dutch. She felt very alone that summer and wanted to go home, but when “I called home, my father said, ‘if you come home, you’ll get a good lickin’ and then go back again.’ ” So she decided to stay, but cried herself to sleep each night for 3 months. 

Finally, her father told her she could go to Eastern Mennonite School (EMS) in the fall of 1949 to finish her education.  This time she went willingly with no objections or fears of getting homesick.  “I wanted to learn and I loved being the hostess at meals.”  The lively Mary blossomed at EMS and when everyone gathered for meals in the cafeteria, she was appointed hostess along with a male student as host to keep the conversation flowing around the table.

During the summers in between high school years, her father got her a job at the Pearl S. Buck Welcome House as a cook.  She cooked the meals and helped attend to the Amerasian children that stayed at the welcome house.  The host couple, a Yoder family from Zion Mennonite broadened her Mennonite perspective and she has remained close to the family ever since. “Because I gave all my earned income to my father till I was 21, Mrs. Yoder was the one who bought me luggage and a few items of clothing.” She spent two summers working there for Pearl S. Buck and got to know the famous author well enough to “take coats” at her personal parties. 

When Mary was 21 and she had graduated from EMS, she decided to do a short term of voluntary service in Rittman, Ohio with a friend, Ruth Gross.  She remembers the long trip to Ohio by train on January 1st and how the train was filled with service men returning after the holidays.  Her friend, Ruth, got homesick and returned home early, but Mary completed her 3 month term and returned home alone by train. 

She worked at a laundry in Doylestown for awhile till she realized she wanted to go to college.  She took her GED and made plans to attend Eastern Mennonite College.  But in 1955, she also met a handsome man from Skippack Mennonite Church that had been told there were nice women “on the other side of the Cowpath” and was driving around scoping out this area near Doylestown.  Ernie talked to her brother Herb who told Ernie, “I’ll bring her to Young People’s Meeting on Sunday evening at Souderton Mennonite Church and you can take her home.” They dated after that, but when Mary discussed her plans to attend EMC in the fall, Ernie said, “I’m not driving 8 hours down there.”  So, she had a change of plans and they were married in 1956.

Through the years Mary has had some times when she doubted this decision to not pursue her education.  She thinks she would have been a psychology or social work major because she enjoys working with people and helping others through their problems.  In 1978, Mary started working at Grand View Hospital as a nurse’s aide and enjoyed that job for 21 years. Mary says “I love people. If they are a stranger, they can become an acquaintance and then maybe a friend.”

Today, she has been married 53 years with 5 children: 2 boys, 3 girls, and 9 grandchildren. If she has regrets about her past, she doesn’t show it.  She has weathered many struggles over the years, but she firmly believes, “everyone is special and a potential child of God …and arms are made for hugging!”

A Life of Miracles

/ mymennonitememoir / 2 Comments

Fall of 2011

“Will you love me if I only have one leg?” Thelma Willouer called. She was bleeding profusely and her leg was hanging only by a small muscle when she asked her husband Howard these words.  They had just been thrown off a motorcycle and at first they hadn’t realized how serious the situation was. Howard quickly came to Thelma’s side, looking at her leg in disbelief.  Then suddenly from nowhere there appeared a young serviceman by Thelma’s side. He told Thelma he had been trained as a medic and tied a tight tourniquet around her leg in an effort to control the bleeding.  Thelma still claims this unknown man with the tourniquet must have been an angel or her first husband making a supernatural appearance in order to help her.

Thelma Walton Douglas Willouer was born on April 3, 1930 in Indianapolis, Indiana, but raised in the town of Remington.  When she was 3, her mother left the family which included her newborn brother, Gene.  So they all moved in with Thelma’s grandparents and their grandmother helped raise her and her brother.  When Thelma was 6 she came down with black diphtheria and thought she was going to die.  Her grandmother was the one to nurse her back to health. When Thelma was in 4th grade, her brother wanted a dog, but since Grandma was a meticulous cleaner, she wouldn’t allow it.  Gene cried and cried until finally their dad decided to move out on their own… with the dog.  So at 10 years of age, Thelma started taking care of the household, which included watching after her younger brother. 

In high school, she got very sick again, this time with scarlet fever, but again she miraculously recovered.  She soon fell in love with a guy she had known since 1st grade, Cary Douglas.  Cary and Thelma graduated in May 1948 and were married in Sept 1948. By 1960, Thelma had 5 children and was having hip problems.  After hip surgery, Cary wanted to take on another job to cover the costs of the hospital bill.  But after only a few days of driving a forklift at a loading dock, Thelma received the stunning news that her husband Cary had been killed when he accidentally drove off the edge of the dock.  

Many family members stepped in to help Thelma at this time of need.  Her dad moved in to help full-time and her mother also moved in for a short time.  Soon after this, Thelma had a brief marriage in the early sixties which took her to Lansdale, Pa.  In 1964 after experiencing a rough marriage and divorce, she went to dinner at Trainer’s in Quakertown and met Howard Willouer.  Howard had just returned that day from the Army, where he had spent time in Panama.  The first words she uttered to Howard as he walked past her were, “You’d look a lot better without that mustache.” 

Believe it or not, Howard seemed drawn to this outspoken woman and asked her to dance later that evening.  They met in May of 1965 and were married in November of 1965. Thelma’s first formal introduction to Mennonites was when she met Howard’s parents, Howard M. and Maggie L. (Moyer) Willouer, former members of Salford Mennonite Church. Howard’s parents took a liking to Thelma and she later learned that his parents were “thrilled to death when [they] got married.”  Howard explains, “I used to drink a lot, so [my parents] thought it would straighten me out.”

“Things were rough at first,” says Thelma of her early days with 5 kids and a new husband.  But before they knew it, the children were growing up and moving away from home.  Soon they found themselves with more free time to do things like motorcycle trips together.

 In 1977, Thema and Howard were planning a vacation in Alabama and driving their cycle back from Paoli from a pre-trip tune-up.  They were talking about their trip as they traveled together that day, when suddenly a car turned right in front of them and the car bumper hit Thelma’s leg.  They both were sent flying off the cycle and soon Thelma realized the bottom part of her leg was only dangling from a tiny muscle. As she lay there, she remembers thinking about Totie Fields and how she had survived having her leg being removed due to diabetes.  Soon she was rushed to the hospital and the doctors tried to pump her with blood and reattach her leg.  They had to reconnect major arteries, make skin grafts to replace missing skin, and try to bring back a leg that had lost all sensation. She was in the intensive care unit for 5 days and Thelma was told she’d never walk.  But, Thelma says, “The Lord had a hand on me and it was what saved me.”  Howard adds, “The accident woke us both up.  Before that, we were both Christians but mostly backsliders.”

Thelma had many surgeries and close calls while in the hospital.  At one point she went into shock after her third surgery and the family thought they were going to lose her, but she had another blood transfusion and slowly recovered.  But the biggest miracle occurred when the doctor noticed that she could move her knee on her injured leg.  He showed the other doctors in amazement and they started Thelma on therapy to recover the use of her leg.  Howard said, “She was in the hospital so long (10 weeks) that everybody had fallen in love with her and cried when she left.”

Soon after she came home, she began working again at Greene Tweed in Lansdale as a key punch operator and worked for 14 years after the accident.  In 2004, while attending the funeral of Howard’s uncle, Leroy, the Willouers heard Gerry Clemmer preach for the first time.  They were so impressed that Thelma said to Howard, “You used to be a Mennonite; let’s try it out.”  They have been attending at Souderton Mennonite Church ever since.

Thelma has had some more complications in recent years with her back, due to her legs being uneven and wearing special shoes, but she still attends church with the help of a cane and makes all the meals at home.  Thelma doesn’t deny that her life has been full of miracles, admitting to being like “a cat with 9 lives.  So often people thought I was going to die.”  Luckily for all of us, this generous and kind-hearted woman is still alive today.

Life Revolves Around Christopher Dock

/ mymennonitememoir / Leave a comment

Written Spring of 2012

When I was born, Souderton Mennonite Church met at Christopher Dock Mennonite High School for our Sunday morning services because our church building was being renovated.  My mom recalls that because there was no nursery, she would have to go out in the car to quiet and feed me when I cried during the service.

As a young girl, I went fishing on the pond at Dock along with my dad and my brother.  I was too young, and perhaps the wrong gender, to have a fishing rod, but I found a stick and attached some fishing line to drop over the pond’s edge and catch a 7-inch bass. My dad was shocked, especially since he and Steve hadn’t had any success.  From then on my dad let me use a fishing rod.

I learned to love the arts at Dock.  Some of my earliest memories are of coming and going to CD music and drama programs. When my sister Linda was in the junior play To Kill a Mockingbird as Mrs. Merriweather, I was eight years old and the television set was not yet prominent in our home.  I sat enthralled at the Dock performances; so much so, that my “movie stars” became the junior play’s main characters, such as, Jane Wenger as Scout and Yvonne Meyers as Christy.  Being entertained at the CD programs was a highlight for me as a young girl and I lived for the next event.

It also didn’t feel like Christmas if our family didn’t make the short drive to Christopher Dock to hear their seasonal choir and instrumental programs.  We left early to attend these programs to “get a good seat” but often ended up in the balcony because it was a Mennonite hot spot.  At a young age, I learned to appreciate four part harmony from masterfully trained choirs. At Christmas time it was always a special treat to hear Eleanor Ruth and the CD faculty quartet sing “The Star.”

When I began attending Dock in 1975, I was drawn to the drama and music that was offered. I remember Ms. Beth Ranck selecting me to portray Helen Keller in the Miracle Worker and instructing me to spend a day at school blindfolded so I could experience what it felt like to be blind. Being a part of dramas was like a childhood dream come true and I thoroughly enjoyed the camaraderie involved with a large group of people working and performing together. Through Mr. Gerald Benner, Steinbeck’s Grapes of Wrath came alive and with the assistance of Ms. Lois Driver, I entered my first writing contest and I began to see the power and catharsis of the written word. It was through these teachers’ encouragement that I majored in English after graduating from Dock in 1979.

When I finished college, I naturally wanted to return to the nurturing place of my youth and relive the joys of being part of the CD community. Unfortunately, teaching at Dock was much more difficult than any of my previous experiences. But with the passing of years, the faces of the student body, faculty and administration continue to change and it’s hard to stay bitter about a place that has nurtured me all my life.

In 2003, our oldest child began attending at Dock and when our daughter graduates in 2014, it will be eleven years of watching our children grow spiritually, watching them challenged by social and service opportunities, and watching them develop emotional maturity at Dock. They reflect the traditions and values of their Mennonite heritage and the Mennonite community that raised them.

I realize that for me and perhaps for many Mennonites in the Franconia Conference, we rallied around our high school that was founded in the 1950s and named after a local schoolmaster, but more importantly, our lives were forever changed and continue to be intertwined with Christopher Dock Mennonite High School. — BBM

Also published in part at http://www.dockhs.org/files/Publications/Lamplighter/Summer%202012/Lamplighter_Summer_12_web.pdf

A Tribute to Virginia Steinly

/ mymennonitememoir / 2 Comments

 

Written Winter of 2006

Dorothy (“Dotty”) Dayton remembers being thirteen and wanting to go ice skating, but feeling guilty because her mother was very sick in bed.  She wanted to be by her mother’s side, as she had for as long as she could recall, but she also wanted to go out and be with her friends.  Dotty was one of eight children born to Virginia (“Virgie”) and Jacob Clarence (J.C.) Steinly. Kathryn, Dotty, and Betty were the three youngest daughters, and they were very young when their mother became ill with multiple sclerosis (MS).  Virgie began feeling the effects of this disease when she was thirty-three and pregnant with her sixth child.  Her first symptom was dragging her left foot as she walked, but eventually the paralysis spread throughout her body.  It was not until 1945, when she and J.C. traveled to Maryland to visit with a doctor at John Hopkins Hospital, that her illness was diagnosed as MS.  At the time, the family had high hopes that Virgie would get better, but their hopes were dashed when they found out that there was no treatment available. 

The Steinly family lived next to Blooming Glen Mennonite Church for twenty-eight years in what was called “the Janitor’s House.”  They were caretakers of the church facilities and the children all remember cleaning the benches and trimming around the gravestones by hand.  Virgie helped clean the bathrooms till she wasn’t able to perform these duties and her three youngest daughters had to take her place.  The young girls, Kathryn, Dotty, and Betty remember doing a lot of the chores that would ordinarily be done by their mother.  They all learned to cook with their mother supervising directions from a nearby chair. It was in this way, at nine years old, that Betty remembers learning to cook.  Betty Mele is the youngest of the three daughters and also recalls “many times at school that Mom couldn’t come” to school programs.  “I often wished she could come” like other parents did.  Kathryn, the oldest, often had to act as mother to all of them, cooking and cleaning, learning at a young age to keep the house organized and operating smoothly.  “Pop depended on us to clean the church (for 25 cents a week) and to make all the meals.”

The young girls readily acknowledge that they didn’t have a normal childhood, and don’t even remember a time when their mother was not sick.  In retrospect, they marvel at their mother’s patient, uncomplaining spirit that always spoke of the Lord’s goodness to her.  “She was a strong spiritual influence on my life,” Dotty admits.  When Virgie became paralyzed in both legs and her left arm, she started to memorize scripture because she felt the Lord wanted her to sit still, to take time for Him, and was also fearful she may become blind from MS.  The Book of Job and the 8th chapter of Romans were two of her favorite scripture passages.  She was also a strong believer in the power of prayer and remembered to pray faithfully for other’s prayer concerns.  Eventually, she became totally paralyzed from the neck down, but maintained a positive attitude about her affliction, and she “never hesitated saying what the Lord meant to her.”

Dotty recalls, “While we lived next to the church and our mother could no longer walk and attend church, the church services were piped down to our house for our mother to hear them.  She considered this a great blessing.”  Numerous people would visit Virgie from Blooming Glen Mennonite Church and the surrounding community.  Occasionally, adult Sunday school classes would be held in their home so “our mother could participate.”  Youth groups also came to sing for her.  “Many of her visitors would say how blessed they were to visit Mom.”

When Kathryn, Dotty, and Betty were teenagers, they started singing together as a trio at the suggestion of Leidy Hunsicker.  They sang at local churches and at James and Ethel Clemmer’s wedding.  Neither one of their parents was ever able to see them perform, but they sang songs like “I’d Rather Have Jesus” by George Beverly Shea.  The girls did sing for their parents at home and their parents loved to hear them sing, “This World is Not My Home.”  But their sister, Kathryn, soon got married, and their singing career came to an end. 

Wayne, one of the older Steinly children served in the Air Force during World War II, and to this day remembers the many letters his mother wrote to him while she was confined to her chair.  It couldn’t have been easy for Virgie and J.C. to see their son go into the military, but Virgie continued to pray and write letters to her son faithfully.  Wayne could see by her handwriting that “it was very difficult for her to write,” but she never tired of sending her love and support.

Tragedy struck the Steinly family in the winter of 1954, when Virgie and J.C.’s youngest son, twenty-nine-year-old Jacob Clarence, Jr. (nicknamed “Shrimp”), was killed in an accident.  He was in a truck loaded with oil, making deliveries for his dad’s business (J.C. Steinly and Son) late into the afternoon, because oil prices were going up the next day.  He was trying to avoid hitting a tractor trailer by turning toward the curb, but couldn’t avoid the collision and was killed instantly.  In the days and weeks following this accident, Dotty and Betty remember their mother as the strongest of them all.  She was totally helpless, confined to her bed, but repeated the verse “All things work together for good,” and kept the family from becoming bitter about their youngest son and brother dying at such a young age.

Toward the end of Virgie’s life, she became very uncomfortable in bed and called on her husband and Dotty often, wanting to be turned from side to side.  A nurse came to the Steinly home once a week, but the rest of the responsibilities fell on Dotty and J.C. Some even said that was the reason Dotty didn’t marry till she was in her thirties.  Dotty admits that she wanted to stay home with her mother after her sisters got married. 

Dotty concludes, “When the Myron Augsburger Tent Crusade was held in Lansdale, our mother requested that her testimony be put on tape and played at the crusade.” The following is Virgie’s testimony which was played at the crusade and also given out at her funeral in 1963.

“I have learned in whatsoever state I am therewith to be content.   I am never alone; the Lord is with me.  The Lord means more to me than anyone.  I love everyone.  In Psalm 119:71, David said, ‘It is good I have been afflicted because I have learned so much about Thy Word.’ I have found that in my life.  I think we have a wonderful God.  He is great; he is all-powerful.  Praise His Holy Name! He is a God of love and full of tender mercies.  His Son Jesus is my Savior.  For to me to live is Christ and to die is gain.  I am crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live, yet not I but Christ liveth in me.  The life that I now live, I live by the faith of the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself on that cruel cross for me.  I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.  I cast all my cares upon Him, for He careth for me.  I commit my all to Him, put all my trust in Him.  I reckon the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed unto us.  I know my Redeemer liveth.  He knoweth the way that I take, and when He hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.  Lord, not my will but thine be done.  ‘To God be the glory, great things He hath done.’ Yes He has.  Amen.

Editorial Note:  The oldest daughter, Kathryn Steinly Heebner was also my aunt Kathryn from Danville, Pa.  See also https://mymennonitememoir.wordpress.com/2012/04/02/for-my-heebner-cousins/

The Emotionally Destructive Relationship

/ mymennonitememoir / Leave a comment

Compiled  and Written Spring of 2012

What makes a woman commit suicide at 36 with young children, a beautiful home, and a husband that provides for the family? 

Emotional abuse could be the reason.

What makes a man leave his wife of 30 years because he can no longer stand to be in her presence? 

Emotional abuse could be the reason.

How does one recognize an  emotionally destructive relationship? Answer these questions:

(From The Emotionally Destructive Relationship By Leslie Vernick)

1. Does the person use physical force or threats of force to make you do something you don’t want to do or to keep you from doing something you want to do?

2. Does the person use verbal weapons such as cursing, name calling, degrading comments, constant criticism, or blaming to get you to do something you don’t want to do or to keep you from doing something you want to do?

3. Does the person curse at you, call you names, humiliate you in public, or degrade you when he or she is unhappy with something you do?

4. Does the person force or manipulate you to perform sexually in ways you do not want to?

5. Do you ever feel afraid of the person?

6. Does the person yell, scream, curse, or hurt you physically when he or she is frustrated or angry?

7. Does the person threaten to alienate your children from you or use them to intimidate you into giving in to what he or she wants?

8. Are you afraid to disagree with the person?

9. When you share your thoughts and feelings about something important to you, does the person ignore you, make fun of you, or dismiss you?

10. Are you verbally and/or physically abusive toward the person?

11. Does the person always think he or she is right to the point of arguing with you until you concede or give up?

12. Does the person make most of your decisions for you?

13. Does the person control the family money, giving you little or no say?

14. Have you given up things that were important to you because the person pressured you?

15. Does the person pout or withdraw from you for extended periods of time when he or she is angry or upset with you?

16. When you ask for a time out or don’t want to talk about something anymore, does the person keep badgering you to engage?

17. Does the person lie to you?

18. Have you observed the person lying to others?

19. Does the person tell you something didn’t happen when you know it did?

20. Does the person question or challenge your certainty of what he or she said or did?

21. Does the person depend on you to meet all his or her needs?

22. Do you feel more like a child than an adult in the relationship?

23. Are you emotionally devastated when the person is upset with you or doesn’t want to be in relationship with you?

24. When you try to talk with the person about your feelings or something that’s bothering you, do you end up feeling like the trouble is entirely your fault?

25. When the person does something wrong, does he or she blame you or anyone else for it?

26. Does the other person make excuses for his or her behavior (anger, jealousy, lies)?

27. Do you feel loved and cared for in the relationship?

28. Can you safely express an opinion that is different from the person’s?

29. Does the person show interest in you and your needs?

30. Are you able to express your honest thoughts and feelings with the person?

31. When the person does something wrong, does he or she admit it and take responsibility for it?

If you answered any question up through question 25 with anything other than never, you are likely in an unhealthy relationship. Questions 27–31 describe the basic elements of a healthy relationship.  If you answered never or seldom to any of these questions, your answers indicate that your relationship is unhealthy and probably destructive. If answering this questionnaire has revealed to you that you are in an abusive relationship, please seek appropriate help from those in your church or community who are experts in helping victims of abusive relationships.

Mom

/ mymennonitememoir / Leave a comment

 

 

 

 

 

 

Written Dec of 1979

Her face lined with age,

creases in love

Her body quickens to answer my beckoning call.

Her squeezing hug and songlike voice

dissolve all my fears

Her ruling rod

brings pain and burning tears

but directs my wandering steps.