Written Summer of 2009
When I was growing up, I really didn’t feel comfortable with any of my brothers and sisters. I loved being with Mom and Daddy since they were who I knew the best. I think my brothers and sisters all resented me for one reason or another. I was often told that I was “spoiled” and “needed attention” or that I “had to have my own way.” My next oldest sibling, Steve, a quiet one, may have suffered, too, because of my presence. We played games together and in the summer he had to watch over me, but we didn’t relate to each other that much.
My sister Linda lived in the same room and I admired her beauty and her sense of style. She went out on dates and seemed so desirable to men. Even though I knew I shouldn’t, I sometimes read her journals of her dating exploits for entertainment. It was interesting reading and better than any romance novel. But I also read Keep Yourself Pure by B. Charles Hostetler and wanted to remain pure for my husband and the Lord. So, I had a lot of longings and desires as I sat hovering over my sister’s journals in the closet, yet had barely matured by my first date at 16. I didn’t want to go out with the guys who asked me, but when my brother told me I was “just chicken,” I decided to try dating.
I went out on a Saturday night with an upperclassman whom I also knew from church. He wore big cowboy boots and was short, barely my height at 5”5. He had a big pickup that was shined up real nice, but I wasn’t impressed. In fact, I was experiencing a strong reaction….but not in his favor.
He picked me up around 7 and we went to a movie, I believe. Then afterwards we went to the R & S diner. I wasn’t hungry at all (not being accustomed to eating at night) but got something small. He was a regular at R& S and knew all the games, so we played pacman and other precursor electronic games. It was hanging out time that went all too slowly for me. I just wanted it to be over. Well, when we finally got back home, I tried to do the right thing by asking him in. He readily came in. My parents were asleep, so we sat on the couch looking at pictures and talking and I was hoping he would leave soon and very afraid he would try to kiss me.
The one thing I clearly remember is that when he finally left, I went to my bedroom. My mom got up and came over to my room to ask me how my first date went. I told her that if that was dating, “I didn’t want any part of it.” It was just an eye-opening experience of how wrong it could feel when you went out with someone you weren’t remotely interested in. I tried to steer clear of such actions in the future.